hey oscillings, its been a second.
i kind of have a job now and i can't remember if i mentioned this in my last update, but it works me like hours a week, ususally more, and i'm always outside. i've decided i want to make a game. i think it'd be cool to do. the concept is basically a first person cyberpunk platformer centered around a city that is separated by class. anyway i think thats all the boring stuff.
now for The Fun Stuff.
i don't know why i'm awake right now. i'd like to blame it on the acid reflux and say that i'm just up in my chair to give my food time to digest, but, truthfully, i think i just can't sleep. when i was on the way home from my late night trip to mcdonald's, i heard a song and it made me really fucking sad. when i think sad things are going to happen in my life for one reason or another, i get this intensely overwhelming sense of dread that i just can't get rid of. i think this time is especially weird because i don't even know why this feeling is here. it doesn't make sense that it is, because i haven't done anything that is making me feel like i should be afraid, or scared.
i'm just scared, i think.
i think i've been in an intense rut lately. i was tasked by an artist friend of mine to remix a song for him and it lowkey burnt me the fuck out. i was a month late and that extra month of time made me feel terrible about it. i hope he truly does like it, not that i think he'd ever see this.
i think i like the dog boy. we went to a concert that he wanted to see and i was unfamiliar with most of the artists, but i enjoyed it nonetheless. it had SEVEN OPENERS. who the actual fuck wants to watch seven openers???????????? i was so tired by the time the main act had gone on that i had to step to the back of the venue. the venue had an upstairs portion which was cool. it served as a good viewpoint to watch the concert, and to watch him while he sang his little heart out to all the songs he knows and loves.the idea that someone outside of me can have such an engrossment in a topic or idea is so interesting. i hate thinking about stuff like that because it's interesting to think for way too long about how i'll never fully understand another human conscioussness outside of my own no matter how badly i want to understand. i think i want. i want to know, i want to understand. i want to experience.
i miss my friends. i made friends, by the way, diary. real life friends from my city. i never thought it'd happen, i never thought i'd have my own friend group. a friend group of MY friends. they bought me legos the other day. i'm happy they're alive. i'm happy they love me, ME, separately from any idea that could be consider an attached string. they just love me because i'm myself, and i think that's truly all i've ever wanted.
i think i love more than i have ever loved
i am grateful for the people in my life who have loved me and loved me for who i am, i have trouble saying i love the people who have left but i truly do. if you have ever loved me, your love has littered my face, my arms, my shoulders and more with freckles that will never go away. if i have ever loved you, i hope that my things still remind you of me. i hope that i'm still inscryption to you. i hope that you still think of me when you see dave strider. i hope that you still fear the milk spoiling because of the lack of my presence. i hope that you remember the day my grandpa died, when you were the only one that was there for me. i hope you reach out. i hope you text, i hope you call. i miss you. i want you to miss me. i want to be missed, i want to be seen, loved, heard, changed. that will remain to be true till the day my coffin is laid into my grave and i am sealed off from this world forever.
I LOVE YOU, AND I HOPE YOU NEVER FORGET.